Young Love (#18)

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studyingThe 156 miles between Nate and me were beginning to take their toll. Although we got together as often as schedules and finances allowed, visits were often limited to one day, either because of his commitments or mine. I looked forward to being with Nate and in all our times together hadn’t noticed anything I disliked.

So why wasn’t I able to surrender to him? In addition to fearing another broken heart, there was one other reason – I worried about making a commitment “on the rebound” from my old boyfriend. He and I had formally broken up 4 months previously, but the break-up apparently hadn’t stuck. At a minimum, it was sloppy. Committing to Nate while that relationship was still “alive” didn’t seem right. If my old boyfriend had genuinely become a Christian during this time, right or wrong I would have gone back to him in a flash.

Mar. 9, 1969 – Dear Meg. The military ball is 12 April; women wear formals, and men uniforms. And I think the weekend for meeting my parents will be before the ball. But no weekend can be greater than our last one together. You were sweet, precious, womanly. I love you very much, Meg.

Mar. 9, 1969 – Dear Nate. This week we’re beginning a unit on animals in both kindergartens, and today we studied the difference between zoo and farm animals – why we don’t put kitties behind bars or lions behind low fences. I eagerly look forward to being with my little kidlets each day. But I miss you, too.    Meg.

Mar. 10, 1969 – Dear Meg. I was thinking this morning of all the sweet little things you do… your laugh, when you tease me and try to tickle me, the way you close your eyes when I kiss you. Each facet of your demeanor I remember and think about. You’re a wonderful person. My life would really have missed someone if I hadn’t met you. Of all 4 years in college, you are my finest memory. And what’s even better is that our relationship continues and grows…

Mar. 10, 1969 – Dear Nate. I’ve asked my folks about you coming up here over the week of your spring vacation with both of us staying at my Wilmette house for 3 days or so before I go with you to your house for that weekend. Such steady togetherness should be helpful. If I had extra hours in each day, I’d like to spend them writing and talking to you. Would we ever run out of things to say?

confusedMar. 11, 1969 – Dear Meg. On Saturday, 22 March, we’ll have dinner with my parents here in Champaign and maybe see a movie or something at Assembly Hall. And… you are a fabulous person to spend time witnessing to your co-worker. She perhaps has so much faith in man because she has lost it in her own father (who was Our Father’s representative to her on earth). Mark 7 has much to say about faith in man-made traditions. I am angered by those who argue that science answers everything and that life is always getting better. Remember that man has never failed to use any weapon he’s developed, including the atomic bomb; sooner or later he will use the hydrogen bomb.

Mar. 11, 1969 – Dear Nate. I really want Mom and Dad to get to know you as I do. It hurts that very few of my friends and relatives know you.

Mar. 11, 1969 – Dear Meg. Going on a campaign to “educate” your parents and friends about us is very good; you want to include them in your feelings. Then, when you finally reach a decision one way or another, they won’t be shocked. Besides, we always enjoy feelings more when we share them with loved ones.

“Pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests… Be alert and always keep on praying…” (Ephesians 6:18)

Young Love (#17)

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happyAlthough I was trying my best to get my old boyfriend out of my thoughts, his occasional re-appearance made it impossible. I found myself sinking back into the relationship, hoping he’d call, wondering if we could be “good buddies” without a romantic involvement. In my head I knew this wasn’t possible, but the heart wants what the heart wants.

Nate continued to be steady, faithful, loving, and optimistic. The letters came more often, sometimes 3 a day. I responded almost daily and was grateful he hadn’t given up on me.

As for my church guy-friend, we were becoming closer with each passing week, but this began to bother him. He hadn’t planned on falling in love at this point in his life as he pursued his goal of becoming a foreign missionary. I also began to have doubts, wondering if I could be the wife he would need, and we agreed it might be a good idea to slow everything down. We kept going out, but put a ban on anything physical.

happyMar. 7, 1969 – Dear Meg. Don’t ever feel bad for me. I know I want you and will wait and will bear the pain or pleasure of your decision. There is no pressure on you for anything approaching an immediate decision. I want you only if you want me. I love you…smooch. I loved being with you. You’re a magnificent, blue-eyed beauty. And I promise to let you know about the military ball, and the date with my parents. I must get back to my law books. I love you. Love, Nate

Mar. 7, 1969 – Dear Nate. You are a truly upright and honest man. More than ever I am glad we were introduced to each other. And the longer I know you, the more valuable I consider our relationship. I, as yet, cannot define what we have; but each time we spend time together as we did this past weekend, I figure out a bit more.

Mar. 7, 1969 – Dear Nate. I realize that if I reject your request for marriage, I would never have the right to re-ask you back if I changed my mind. It would be too late. On the other hand, if I accept your offer of marriage, it would be almost impossible for me to reverse that decision. But when I spend time with you like we just did, so many things stand out: the way you talked respectfully to that pushy salesman; your being responsible by staying overnight in your dorm (with your men); your responsiveness to my questions, even the trivial ones; your creativeness in suggestions of things for us to do in Champaign, and many more.

allerton-parkMar. 8, 1969 – Dear Meg. Daydreaming in class is nothing new for me, but now it’s always of you. I really cherish our latest weekend together. This spring we should have a picnic at Allerton Park [mansion and grounds outside of Champaign, at right]. Food and love! Ah, what a combination. We had a nasty pistol whipping here Saturday night. One guy attacked two others with a gun and knife. Don’t worry.

Mar. 8, 1969 – Dear Meg. Your letter was superb! I read it three times. Under the aegis of the Lord, our relationship grows. Walking by faith in the unseen is important. Meg, I love you. I will be patient in courting and counseling the woman I want to marry. I grieve that your confusion hurts you, but it is in the Lord’s life-plan for you. If crying helps, cry a little… but you have all the time in the world. I could hug and kiss you forever, with time out for breathing.

“Encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them.” (1 Thessalonians 5:14)

Young Love (#16)

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As our letters continued, I could read between the lines that Nate’s frustration over my non-commitment was mounting. But that, I decided, was not a reason to commit. And right then, out of nowhere, my old boyfriend called again.

He asked if he could come to see my apartment, which triggered the old familiar mental swirl. I knew I needed to end all contact with him since part of me was still attached, but the temptation was too great – and I invited him to come ahead.

In my next letter, my great respect for Nate persuaded me to tell him about what had happened. In a way I hoped he would provide some idea to help me sever all contact with this boyfriend, since apparently I couldn’t do it on my own. Though my mental fog was pretty thick, the one thing I did know was that I could lose Nate over my poor decisions to continue contact with a former flame.

I hoped Nate would respond to my honest confession with loving strength. The one positive result of more time with the boyfriend was that the Lord was steadily reinforcing that we were truly mismatched. But logic doesn’t always trump chemistry.

downtownMar. 2, 1969 – Dear Nate. (My old boyfriend) called me on Monday and then came for a visit yesterday. He wanted to see the apartment. We went downtown to hear a blues band on Rush St, and they were excellent. But we’re not attached to each other in any significant sense. Talking to him for all those hours last night turned out to be wonderful therapy for my feelings. I have no desire to be back with him. I think the Lord has changed my heart.

Mar. 4, 1969 – Dear Meg. You’re fabulous! Please come Friday! Oh, I’d love to see you, hug you, pray with you! I really believe in the efficacy of prayer, and I pray for us and others every day. I miss you very, very much! Honestly, I know I am in love with you.

enthusiasmMar. 5, 1969 – Dear Meg. I’ll see you before you read this, and I await you anxiously. I want to be with you and really need you as a partner in my life. I’m glad you and (your old boyfriend) are still friends, and that you think you made the right decision. Whether this means you moving down here to teach, or getting married, or backing completely out of any commitment and breaking off from me, I don’t know. You’re completely free to decide and have all the time in the world you want. I love you. Love, Nate

Mar. 6, 1969 – Dear Nate. I’m very sorry about not writing to you sooner than I did, but I raced to the mailbox in late afternoon hoping my letter would arrive to you the next afternoon. So let’s blame the pony express for my seeming silence. I feel especially bad, since you are so faithful and consistent in your letters to me.

March 6, 1969 – Dear Nate. Sometimes I feel as if I’m not responding as I should to you and really and truly wonder how you could continue to love me… and I’m not fishing for compliments. But I tell myself, “Don’t force anything.” But you are a delight to communicate with. Or, I should say, our communication is delightful to me.

“Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.” (Romans 12:12)