Young Love (#15)

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As February moved into March, the letters increased and often passed each other as they traveled south and north. Sometimes two would arrive on the same day. Nate’s longing to have a reciprocated love relationship was evident, but I couldn’t bring myself to commit. My church friend was saying some lovely things to me, too – “I really enjoy being with you and would love to spend more time together.”

From the journal:

I’m a little shaken when I think about the insecurity of my romantic situation. There is still (my church friend) who I’m not dismissing as a possibility for a deeper relationship in the future. Then there is the gung-ho Nate Nyman who is sure he wants to marry me. I think I’m growing to love him back, but the thought of marriage scares me silly!

Feb. 25, 1969 – Dear Nate. It’s 10:00 PM, and I’ve just returned from a shopping spree to have dinner at long last. And boy oh boy, does it taste good… a liver sausage sandwich with lettuce, hot tea, and jello for dessert (and about 6 peanut butter cookies thrown in on the sly).

liver-sausage

Feb. 26, 1969 – Dear Nate. Since January when I moved into the apartment, I’ve gained 5 pounds. I feel fat. I need to concentrate and lose those pounds. I’ve always had an inferiority complex about my weight, especially about the chubby cheeks that dominate my face. My roommate was a huge help to me tonight as we talked about it. When I moved in here, I found a true friend.

Feb. 28, 1969 – Dear Meg. I think of you when I try to read law. I remember your softness and gentleness, and the good warm feeling I get holding you. I want to set that weekend dinner with my parents soon. I need to be with you.

gung-ho-nateFeb. 28, 1969 – Dear Nate. It’s very important to me that my family and friends get more familiar with you. I haven’t decided if that’s an immature characteristic or not. If you think it isn’t, let me know. If you think it’s immature, don’t tell me. (Just joshing.) Please counsel me and guide me in all such matters, as you feel led. If we ever got married, you’d have to counsel me endlessly – not a very bright prospect for you.

Mar. 1, 1969 – Dear Meg. I’m going to wear that fabulous knit tie to church on Sunday. Thank you again! Campus is a stick of dynamite. I fully expect fires, sniping, and the National Guard. Again last night I prayed for us. I love you, Meg.

Mar. 1, 1969 – Dear Nate. You’ll never realize how much I value your letters, including the time you put into writing and mailing them. My large kindergarten class has to perform in an all-school assembly, and guess who has been pressed into playing the piano? We’ve been spending lots of time in the assembly hall practicing. But they’re all adorable, no matter how they perform.

textbooksMar. 2, 1969 – Dear Meg. My law courses this semester are: Evidence, Corporations, Administrative Law, Commercial Law, and Constitutional Law. But it can all be very boring. I love you.

Mar. 3, 1969 – Dear Meg. You have studiously avoided saying “I love you” to me. I know you want to be absolutely sure before you say it. Take your time, please. I never want to pressure you. Those three words are the indication I wait for. If it’s God’s will that those words come from your lips, then things will firm up in a practical way. If I have to wait a year to know your feelings, it’s OK with me. But I’d like to have you down here next year as a wife. I pray for us daily. I love you.

“The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame.” (Isaiah 58:11)

Young Love (#14)

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Nate was gaining in confidence and brought up the subject of introducing me to his parents. I was a little nervous about this, since it felt like I was being nudged into a new level of commitment I hadn’t yet made.

It was nice that he seemed proud of me and was sure his folks would like me. But I didn’t want to give them (or Nate) the wrong impression. By no means was I “all in.”

hmmmHiding beneath the exciting reality of dating two great guys at once was a deep wound that still hadn’t healed – the upsetting split from my old boyfriend 4 months previously. It was continuing to fester and cause pain, and I still thought about him every day. The bottom line was, I didn’t want to commit to anyone new, fearing another broken heart.

Feb. 18, 1969 – Dear Meg. I am really beginning to need you emotionally and spiritually. Sudden desires to be with you possess me. I can’t get the times we’ve spent together out of my mind. Being with you is enough. Walking, talking, eating, watching T.V., even studying. But being together causes some very, very painful goodbyes. “Precious” is the word describing your letters… and you.

Feb. 20, 1969 – Dear Nate. I’m beginning to realize that you and I are playing with fire as far as our feelings go. Either one of us could get heartbroken, but I’m trying to remain open-minded. And since we’ve signed our relationship over to the Lord, I can’t think he would give either of us any grief too great to gracefully bear. As I’m writing this, I’m feeling something for you that’s very close to love. But oh, the uncertainty of feelings! It frightens me!

hershey-kissFeb. 22, 1969 – Dear Meg. I am savoring your chocolate kiss now. I took it off the package wrapping and saved it until I got home. You’re beautiful and I love you. I am keeping my feelings in check so I won’t get hurt, but I want you to give me an indication if there’s any change in your feelings. And when the time is right, I can then uncheck my feelings.

Feb. 23, 1969 – Dear Nate. Little by little I hope the scariness of all this will dissipate. One thing I really want you to know is that I appreciate you telling me there is no pressure on me to make a decision right now. You are a most kind and considerate man. I am lucky to know you.

rFeb. 25, 1969 – Dear Meg. I wish I could hug you now! And that’s pretty passionate at 10 AM after an hour of Constitutional Law! That soft skin… I think of you through class and at many other times. Here in Champaign, the lid is ready to blow off things. Last night $55,000 worth of card catalogues were burned at the library. But now I have to go and get ready for ROTC drill. I love you. Love, Nate.

“Commit your way to the Lord. Trust in him, and he will act.” (Psalm 37:5)

Young Love (#13)

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Although I still wasn’t sure whether or not I loved Nate and hadn’t signed any of my letters “with love,” I had begun signing his pet name for me, Meg, rather than Margaret. And as I began to look more favorably at him, the other guys I’d been dating started to drop away… except for my church friend. That relationship seemed to be heating up at the same rate as the one with Nate. The only difference was that it was happening in person rather than mostly in letters.

From my journal:

Nate may be “the one.” But I don’t know. I hate to be forced into deciding right now whether or not he’s the one for the future. It seems like it’s boiling down to a decision between Nate and the (church guy). The frustration and confusion I’m experiencing makes me think the decision can’t be made by sensibly stacking facts. They’re both fantastic guys. So I’m just going to continue going out with each of them and see what happens.

illinois-central-railroadI arranged to be with Nate more often, taking the train south to Champaign twice in February. He came north to Chicago for one weekend, paying all the travel bills for both of us. But most of the time, distance separated us, which is when I went on dates with my church friend.

Feb. 6, 1969 – Dear Meg. Every time I bite into a blueberry muffin, I think of you. And a lot of times when I don’t, I think of you. I ran a mile on Sunday, starting to get in shape for summer camp with the Army. I mentioned “camp” the other night at dinner, and one of my men (using his civilian mind) said, “Oh, are you a counselor at a summer camp?” Funny.

Feb. 9, 1969 – Dear Nate. I’m glad you like to talk… in letters, on the telephone, in person. It seems there’s nothing we can’t discuss, and we never seem to run out of things to say. I feel like I can ask you any question or present any problem without fear of being embarrassed or humiliated. And I sense my heart changing when I think about you. I think I’m safe in saying the Lord is behind it.

good-lettersFeb. 12, 1969 – Dear Meg. You wrote me a good letter; gracious and sensible. Neither of us is ready for engagement or marriage; yet our feelings are more intimate than before. We have achieved something: honesty.

heart-of-candies

Feb. 14, 1969 – Dear Nate. I feel like I found a special “closeness” with you this weekend when we were together. I can’t even pinpoint what caused it or the moment it happened. Now when I’m away from you, I have so many items I’d like to hear your opinion about. Little by little, my confusion is being replaced by order. I slept all but 10 minutes on my return trip to Chicago – clutching my luscious pink heart box of chocolate candies! (I’m eating so much chocolate that when you see me I’ll be one big ugly pimple!)

chocolates

Feb. 15, 1969 — Dear Meg. My feelings for you deepen with every passing day. I’ll write you about coming down to see my parents for dinner. I love you, Meg!

“Love always hopes.” (1 Corinthians 13:7)