Thinking Big

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Heading to ItalyWhen Nate and I had been married for three years, Nelson was on the way, and we knew life was about to change radically. So when I was six months pregnant, we decided to take a trip to Italy, figuring it might be our last chance. It was just the two of us, although technically Nelson came, too.

We rented a little Renault and roamed the country for two weeks, from Rome to Milan, having the time of our lives. As we left, we vowed to return.

Nate the studentNate had been a history major in college, and he never met a fact he didn’t memorize. His knowledge of world history lit a flame of desire to travel to the places he’d studied as a student, but everyday commitments (and his big family) gave him a different journey. In recent years, however, time to travel began coming into focus.

Then his health failed.

Gradually he realized his dream to visit historical sites wasn’t going to come true. He said, “Even though I never got to go to the places I’d hoped, at least my kids have seen the world.” He was referring to the five who’d been on mission trips, several of them literally circling the globe.

I feel sad he missed out on so much and wish I’d worked toward at least one historical trip. Our good friend Erwin Lutzer leads tours in Europe, and one of them had a strong pull for Nate: the Reformation Tour.

He talked longingly about that itinerary, hoping to go. Having grown up in a Lutheran Church, he’d read much about and by Martin Luther and actually knew the contents of the 95 theses. He would have relished seeing the church where they had been presented.

This morning as I thought about Nate’s unmet travel goals, God sent immediate comfort in an interesting way. Out of “the blue” came this thought: “You can stop bemoaning that Nate never took the Reformation Tour, because he knows Martin Luther personally now and has gotten the whole thing directly from him.”

How silly of me, dreaming about earthly pleasures for a heaven-dwelling Nate! That’s like bouncing a five year old on my knee and saying, “Now, isn’t that much better than Disneyland?”

Many years ago I taught our little children to sing the Sunday school chorus, “My God is so BIG!” They internalized the message easily, ascribing all the good parts of “big” to God, with childlike faith. If we adults would enlarge our view of the Lord and his kingdom, we’d spend much less time regretting and much more anticipating.

So as good a guide as Pastor Lutzer is, I think Nate has probably lost interest in joining his Reformation Tour.

”Blessed are those who die in the Lord from now on. Yes, says the Spirit, they are blessed indeed.” (Revelation 14:13b)

God’s Balancing Act

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In communicating with my children today about their father on this 5th anniversary of his death, several of them asked if I was sad or happy in my rememberng. The accurate answer is “yes”. Sad in wishing Nate was still here, but happy because of a very special photo that came my way via text message.

British Baby 5Hans and Katy, busy with their young family across the ocean, sent a good report about their unborn baby by way of a picture taken today during their first ultrasound. When I opened the photo, I gasped a bit of delight over the high quality and good angle of this image, the perfect profile of a new family face.

Hans and Katy’s 5th child, my 10th grandchild, is expected in May of 2015, and seeing that little person so clearly today was a joy that balanced out the lingering sadness about Nate. Rather than having a roller-coaster day of ups and downs, it was a day planted between the extremes. And isn’t that the way God usually does things?

When we receive bad news, it’s often followed by something good. The opposite is true, too, good coming first, and bad after that. Our heavenly Father works at balancing our days, and if we watch for it, we’ll see it. But that part, the watching part, can be a problem. Making note of the bad things is easy. We don’t miss a one. Noticing the good ones doesn’t come as readily. Why is that?

Maybe it’s because in our deepest hearts we think we ought to experience one good thing after another, and when something bad happens, we feel we have every right to object. “Why did God let that happen? How could he be so harsh with me? What did I do to deserve this?”

At the root of our reasoning, though, is a pride that says, “If I was God, I would have done that differently.” In other words, “I think I know better than God on this issue.”

Never.

Admittedly, it’s difficult to accept the bad stuff with a good attitude. I know I’ll be working on that for the rest of my life. Just this afternoon while running errands, tears came while I was driving, when I recognized a way in which I’d acted pridefully toward the Lord by thinking the opposite of the way I should have. I need much more practice, and thankfully God is willing to give it.

Just right

And so, as this emotional day ends, God has me solidly in the middle of sorrow and joy, bad and good, sad and happy, in a balance that feels just right.

 “When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom.” Proverbs 11:2

Five Quiet Years

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November 3rd is the day Nate left earth for heaven, or, as some say, changed his address. We’ve all missed him for 5 years, and I still wish we had him back.

It’s too bad I can’t mail him a letter telling him so. If I could send something to his new address, I’d be writing every single day, just like any couple in a loving relationship who find themselves separated by distance. I’d tell him what’s going on in his family and describe the many ways each of us misses him. I’d keep him up-to-date on current events and on this blog, telling him of the many readers who have come to know him through its posts.

imagesVYN70TTNBut of course trying to send a letter to heaven is even sillier than trying to reach Santa Claus. Even if I could fling a letter heaven-ward and somehow get it to Nate, I’d still have the frustration of never getting one back from him. In my 5 years without him, it’s talking to him that I miss the most. But our communicating has come to an end, at least until I rejoin him one day.

Nate was a good conversationalist and enjoyed everything from table talk with family to chit-chat with strangers. He was always willing to hash over problems, and no subjects were off limits. If I could count the discussions we would have had if he’d been here these last 5 years, they would number a thousand-plus.

And yet God hasn’t left me or any of us without people to talk to during these years, chief of which is himself. Naturally, talking to the Lord isn’t the same as talking to Nate, but in certain respects, it’s better. God is “open for business” day and night and is an expert listener. And since no time is a bad time to approach him for a talk, those thousand-plus conversations are still available.

When I think of Nate’s advice and how I wish I knew what he would say about this or that today, I can go to the Lord and voice the same longings or problems with the same openness and honesty, knowing he’ll hear my heart’s intention and never misunderstand me. I won’t be criticized, and the counsel he’ll give will be flawless.

???????????????????????????????Someday I anticipate looking into Nate’s face again and having a fresh conversation with him. We might even be able to pick up where we left off. More than likely, though, it won’t be anything like I’m envisioning, but God definitely promises eventual togetherness.

As I move into the 6th year of being separated from Nate, I’m hoping God will teach me to communicate with him better and better. And I hope one day he’ll completely fill the void left behind when Nate changed his address from earth to heaven.

Jesus said, “You can pray for anything, and if you have faith, you will receive it.” (Matthew 21:22)