Nelson still has bouts of anxiety, partly caused by labored breathing and partly by the unknown weeks and months ahead. But focusing on Scripture and God’s ability to do the impossible lifts his spirits.

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September 12, 2022

I spoke with Casey [Nelson’s friend from childhood] on the phone yesterday for almost 2 hours. It’s a call I had been putting off for a while, and I told him why, when we talked: Giving the rundown of the whole cancer story front-to-back is tiring for me, so I had put it off. He understood.

He understood my condition, and my being super tired lots of the time, and phone calls are tiring, etc. It was the right thing to do. It got my eyes off myself for that time. I was struggling with anxiety as I’m trying to wean off the slow release morphine. I didn’t know it would keep me up at night, but it does.

There is also this slow burn of stress that comes in the afternoon, which I think also comes from the change. I have the “break-through” pills, and the doc told me if I take one of those and the problem goes away, then I know that’s what it was.

After I was awake from 9:45 pm-11:45 pm, I took one and fell right to sleep. I guess these things take time. I am thankful for the process of this whole thing, even though it’s at the top of the threshold of what I can take. We grow in the wilderness.

The sermon yesterday was about wilderness from Mark 1. Jesus was driven by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil. Jesus was driven, but he was led by the driving force. The preacher said something like that but I can’t remember exactly how it went.

Annso and I were driven to Rochester, our place of wilderness, to go through this ordeal. We can let it lead us. There are parameters we have no choice about. If we had stayed in Hawaii, I would probably have died at the end of May or a little after. That Sepsis infection I had would have been too much for the Hawaii hospital. I have no doubt about that. The Mayo Clinic could barely handle it.

Annso and I talk about lots of stuff, like her working here at the Mayo Clinic, but, Lord, I want to ask you about these things. She would probably enjoy it, it’s a killer opportunity, though it would be probably hard to get [in occupational therapy]. I put it before you, Lord. I want your highest. Even our house and that process. We still don’t have it, and I realize you might not let that happen.

I don’t feel we’ve lied or anything on the application, but it might not be the best thing for us, even though we are excited about it happening. It seems right, but only you know. I want the best from you, Lord, even if that means waiting.

You got me out of debt when I got back into YWAM in 2010, despite the odds. You caused Annso to come back to Hawaii, so we could meet and be together and get married. You moved us out of Hawaii suddenly and into this wilderness.

In Mark it says, “Immediately the Spirit drove Jesus…” Feels like what happened to us. Now it feels like we’ve been here for a long time. Our apartment lease is almost up, and we told them we are leaving. I pray for your guidance, Lord.

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The Lord said, “I will make a way in the wilderness…” (Isaiah 43:19)

Though Nelson talks with Ann Sophie about wanting to live a long life, these days his journaling is focused on the possibility of death coming instead. It’s an emotional see-saw of hope and fear.

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September 11, 2022

Lord—“Since you are my rock and my fortress, for the sake of your name lead and guide me. Keep me free from the trap that is set for me, for you are my refuge.” (Psalm 30:3-4)

That’s a good one. I’ve always liked it. Apparently there are traps set for us. I pray that this morning. I can’t handle any more trouble I don’t think. I pray that you would keep us from the traps set for us no matter what form they come in.

Thank you for prayers like this, showing us how to come to you and even what to say. The Psalms are so handy for that.

Today is Sunday. Annso, Ralph, Astrid, Will, and I will head off to church. It meets in a city rec center. Super nice people. Annso and Astrid (and Will) are going to Germany on October 10, so that will change things up a bit here. Just Ralph and I. I’m sure that will be fun. [Ann Sophie’s grandma, Astrid’s mother, was dying in Germany.]

I can invite Jeremy and/or Ken to hang for a bit. Have a throwback to the single days. I’m sure she’ll have a good time over there, and I’m happy not to go. Doesn’t sound like a lot of fun for me, always feeling sick and trying to get a rest. It’s right for me to stay back.

Besides, if things go well, our new house closes Oct.26, so I want to be around for that. What a miracle that would be to actually have it work out that we could get a house without help from anyone. Thank you Lord for helping us with that and steering us clear from making mistakes.

We are grateful for your help in the unseen. Here is one about surrendering the times to you, Lord. You know my hours and years, and they were written in your book before any of them came to pass. You said that somewhere. But I trust in you, Lord. I say, “You are my God. My times are in your hands; deliver me from the hands of my enemies, from those who pursue me. Let your face shine on your servant; save me in your unfailing love.” (Psalm 31:14-16)

No one knows his own hour. We are all in your hands, Lord. We believe in you, and even in my darkest hour when I thought I would die at the hospital a couple months ago, and I didn’t feel your presence at all, and I felt so alone, and thought I would die alone…you were there. If I felt good, I would probably have said that I trusted you, but because I was in physical agony, I thought I would be condemned.

What is the reality of the situation in those moments? Who is the man to say for sure what will really happen or what it will feel like? It’s no fun to be the man going through that while everyone else is standing outside the ICU and will go home at night.

Karl said the other day that the same thing happens to everyone, just that a few of us go earlier. The result is the same. I guess that’s true. What’s 30 more years? But here on earth, when you are Annso and Will, it’s a big deal. Earth years are long and hard.

It’s nice to have friends and people to spend time with. I pray, Lord, that you would let me stick around, if it’s your will, so I can help them and father my little boy.

Annso told me what you said to her the other day, that she prayed asking for 15 more years like Hezekiah, and you said, “Why only 15? How many do you want?” So she prayed for another 30. Can that be possible, that I would be alive until I am 80? I’ll second that, Lord.

Would you actually keep me alive until I’m 80 years old after all this? You can do it for sure. I know it.

I would be up for trying to make that happen. I’m up for the fight.

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“I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand.” (Isaiah 41:13)

I’ve not read ahead in Nelson’s electronic journal but am taking them one at a time. Because of that, I’m never sure where Nelson’s thoughts will go. Many have asked why Ann Sophie and I are posting these entries. The answer is that both of us have learned much from Nelson and have been encouraged by the way he handled this painful crisis. We’ve been lifted by Nelson’s stalwart faith and are hoping the same for you readers. We all have to fight battles in this world, and it could be that Nelson’s example can give us all the fortitude we need to press on while tightly holding onto God.

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September 10, 2022

Thank you for our marriage and for little Will and how he is and for his life and that we were able to have him. I pray for the ability to have at least 1 more to play and live with him, and for me to get the life to live with them.

So far, it seems dark and scary, but we are all alive and doing lots of things. We are living life to the full. “…in the fullness of life with everything at stake…” was the statement Dietrich Bonhoeffer made about how he thinks the Christian is supposed to live.

That’s the way I want to live and the way I want to die. They can put that on my headstone. ”He lived the same way he died, in the fullness of life with everything at stake.”

Lord, I thank you for the personality you gave me, to take risks, to get out there, to travel, to marry, to have children, to be a Christian, to live on donated support, to take risks like buying this house, even though we are going through this cancer ordeal at the same time.

I want my life to be about others and living for them. I pray for the strength to live, so I can take care of this family you gave me, Lord. You answered that prayer, now please answer this one for more time. Give me more time for others, for Annso, for Will, and for our other unborn children. I pray for at least 20 more years.

We are acting as if we will live for a long time, and that’s what I am believing you for. “To you, Lord, I called; to the Lord I cried for mercy: What is gained if I am silenced, if I go down to the pit? Will the dust praise you? Will it proclaim your faithfulness? Hear, Lord, and be merciful to me; Lord, be my help.” (Psalm 30:8-10)

That’s a good way to put my prayer into words, praying the scripture back to God. You, Lord, can do it, and if your word is true and you are real, you might do it for me. I pray that you will.

The writer makes a good point here. What good am I if I die? Even if I got to heaven to be with you and others who went before, which is what we hope to be true, what’s the difference of a few more years down here if heaven lasts forever? Please give me more time. Amen.                                          

Later, 3 pm

Annso lies beside me reading, Will naps, I napped before a monster lunch with Ralph and Astrid, so I’m not tired. I get really bloated and full and can hardly breath, but I still eat a lot.

When I was sleeping or maybe just after, I had a thought about the people I meet. I talked with Karl [cousin] a long time about almost dying when I was in Michigan. He asked me how I felt at that point, and I was honest. I said, “I was scared to death.”

I met Tom yesterday and the maintenance man here at Heritage Manor apartments. After each interaction, I felt like I could have shared the gospel in some way, but for me, I am a Christian in the mornings when I have the word, but at other times I don’t feel I should be saved at all.

Is there anyone out there who is really secure in his faith concerning death when it’s right in front of you? Or are all people scared? I don’t want to die at all.

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“Whether we live or whether we die, we are the Lord’s.” (Romans 14:8)