When Healing Comes

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After the death of a husband, how long does it take to heal? When is grieving finished?

Getting Through ThisFourteen months after Nate died, as I looked back over that year’s blog posts, I was surprised to realize not every one of them had been about him. At first I was appalled but later realized it was a sign of a broken heart being mended.

C. S. Lewis published a small book of journal entries penned during deep sorrow over losing his wife to cancer. A Grief Observed was so personal, he wouldn’t allow his name on the cover but instead ghost-published as N. W. Clerk. After Lewis died several years later, his stepson republished it revealing his true identity.

A Grief ObservedLewis went through raw grief, doubting God’s love and availability to him, wondering whether there was an afterlife at all. But by the end of the book, his relationship with the Lord had been restored, and his grief was beginning to heal. He wrote:

“There was no sudden, striking emotion. Like the warming of a room or the coming of daylight when you first notice them, they have already been going on for a long time.”

That year after Nate died I was encouraged to realize my healing had already been going on for a long time. It wasn’t that I was “finished,” but just as Lewis learned, raw emotion  slowly mellows. Instead of labeling Nate as “missing”, as having left a big, empty hole in our family, I began to think of him as our larger-than-life husband and father, the lively, loyal head of our family who was full of personality and loved each of us wholeheartedly.

As one of our kids said somewhere during that first year, “Papa was a legend.” He wasn’t the kind of legend that made the cover of TIME, but a Nyman-legend to be sure. Grief has a way of wrapping what’s good with a negative shroud, but as time passes and we heal, the layers peel away, and the positives come shining through.

God has helped me see more and more of these positives as the years have passed, and I credit him with every bit of my healing. He’s been my constant companion, my shield from despair and, as the biblical David put it, “the lifter of my head.”

Nyman familyHad we known Nate would die at 64, leaving us after only 42 days of warning, we’d have still chosen him for our husband and father. He will always be our main man, the one we wanted then, the one we still love now, and the one for whom we thank God.

“You, O Lord, are a shield about me, my glory, and the One who lifts my head. I was crying to the Lord with my voice, and he answered me.” (Psalm 3:3-4)

Fan Club

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Nate was a true-blue fan of Elvis Presley. Although he wasn’t musically knowledgeable, he never met an Elvis tune he didn’t love.

He loved to talk about his favorite songster, laughing at his extravagant ways and forever attracted to his down-home, country-boy charm.

But Nate was tone deaf, unable to carry a tune and embarrassed by his own singing. He often wondered if he was fully appreciating his Elvis music and one day said, “Does Mr. Presley have a good singing voice?”

I acknowledged he did, but to a true fan, such a simplistic answer was lackluster, and Nate wanted more. So I said, “I’ve heard he could sing in four octaves without straining his voice.”

“Is that good?” he said.

“Real good,” I said, which seemed to make him happy.

Over the years Nate amassed an elaborate collection of Elvis memorabilia, all gifted by others who knew he was a fan: posters, mugs, key chains, license plates, photos, t-shirts, postcards figurines and a copy of his driver’s license. The stand-out gift was an Elvis telephone. When a call came in, he sang “Jailhouse Rock” while gyrating his hips.

I was never the Elvis fan Nate was but could tolerate certain recordings, unlike some family members who had zero tolerance, like his mother-in-law. Nate got along with Mom exceptionally well, unless the subject was Elvis.

“What do you see in that guy anyway?” she’d say.

“Greatest recording artist of all time,” he’d say, then add, “and a Christian, too.”

Mom had her doubts.

All of us have life-heroes, but hero worship is always risky, a set-up for certain disappointment. Although Elvis may not have enjoyed living on a pedestal, his fans kept him there anyway.

Nate and Mom had fan clubs, too, people who admired them and as a result, put them on pedestals. Many were watching their lives, following their examples. The truth is, all of us are being watched by somebody.

It might even be true that we all have life-moments on pedestals, but when that happens, God usually doesn’t wait too long to nudge us off, knowing it’s neither a happy nor healthy place to be. In his view, there’s only one pedestal-worthy person, and that’s Jesus. He stands alone as an unflawed hero, which is the reason we ought to be watching him carefully, admiring his ways, modeling our behavior after his.

The difficulty is with his invisibility. Elvis was easy to see; his face and voice were everywhere. Our task in watching Jesus takes more want-to, more discipline, but there is no greater goal than following his example.

And as we’re working at that, it’s reassuring to know we’ll never be disappointed by his falling off his pedestal. That’s even better than owning a whole wall of gold records.

As to Elvis’ Christianity? Both Mom and Nate know for sure now, one way or the other.

“We [endure] by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion.” (Hebrews 12:2)

Pleasure Reading

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Nate was an intellectual, and I used to wonder if my goofy questions were too foolish to ask, not wanting him to think he married a dummy. My mind was like a wind-tunnel, whoosh-in-whoosh-out. Nate’s was like a funnel; information poured into him and stayed there. His favorite leisure activity was reading, especially newspapers, and wherever he sat, a pile of printed material would accumulate.

IMG_0266I remember the day I was planning to ask Nate to read a book I’d found helpful, so we could discuss it. It was about making a good marriage better, and I knew it wasn’t his preferred genre. But I had an idea. First I’d ask if he’d like me to read anything special. Then I’d ask about my book.

When I asked what he’d like me to read, he said, “A daily newspaper.” And surprise-surprise, that wasn’t my preferred genre. Nate loved to discuss current events, and my end was usually no more than a battery of questions. I knew he wished I’d be better informed.

He then said, “And what should I read?” and I handed him the marriage book. He looked it over and said, “Sure. I’ll take a look at it.”

The next morning, after he’d read the first newspaper of his daily four or five and had left for work, I spread out Section 1 on the kitchen counter and began reading. In the next few weeks I gleaned enough from 10 daily minutes with one newspaper to handle dinner conversations, and he perused the marriage book enough to talk about it.

Newspaper articleAlthough we both gravitated back to our earlier preferences, Nate began marking newspaper pages with ballpoint, drawing arrows at articles he thought I’d enjoy reading and leaving them on the kitchen counter. Sometimes he’d jot comments in the margins.

Gradually I applied his condensed method to the books I wished he’d read. I’d Xerox a couple of pages, write a note at the top, and set them next to his newspapers. He always read them, sometimes adding his own comments next to mine and handing them back. Our “distilled” system worked well throughout the years, and we were still using it until cancer took away his ability to read.

Sometimes I think of God as the #1 intellectual of all time. He’s fully informed about every newspaper subject, having actually orchestrated the details behind the world events reported in the articles. Yet he’s also interested in close-to-home topics like marriage and family.

He uses creative ways to point his arrows toward the parts of his Word we need to read, and his comments are written all over it. Best of all, he’s eager to participate in the conversation. And when we call on him, he answers with, “Count me in.”

“Moses and Aaron were among his priests, and Samuel was among those who called on his name. They called upon the Lord and he answered them.” (Psalm 99:6)

Praising and Praying with Mary

  1. PTL that the tube pain is gone!
  2. Please pray we’ll get the many wedding preparations done on schedule. Only 3 weeks left.