Not Mary!

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Hotel roomMary and Bervin spent last week living in a hospital room at Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota. Then over the weekend she graduated, making a move to a hotel across the street, walking over there on her own steam.

Throughout the week Mary pushed herself in every category. When nurses asked her to take 4 hall-walks a day, she took 6. When they asked her to get out of bed and sit in a chair a couple of times, she did it many. When she felt loopy from pain meds, she asked that they be decreased. Despite several set-backs, especially with nausea, she beat the surgeon’s prediction that she’d be in the hospital at least a week. Not Mary!

Most of us quickly seek the path of least resistance, because it’s the easiest way to go. Our natural bent is to find comfort, especially in the case of physical pain. But then there are those special people who quietly set comfort aside and take wise action instead, acknowledging that comfort and wisdom don’t always go hand-in-hand.

Fanny MayFor example, Mary loves chocolate. Good chocolate, like Fanny May. She says, “I’m familiar with each piece in the box. The curly-cues on top identify the filling inside, and I know them all.” Yet she wouldn’t dream of eating one after another. Not Mary!

Last week when several of us were in her room at Mayo’s, the Pain Management Team swept in, 3 doctors in white lab coats armed with clipboards and expertise. With knitted brows they studied the numbers on the IV and epidural screens, amazed at the low doses.

“You’re getting only minimal doses,” they said. “Would you like to increase them?” Not Mary! Her pain level was already manageable, a result of not medicating herself through the years.

How does a person get like that? Mary wasn’t always. She and I did some crazy things as teens and twenties, but the difference came in that she was quick to learn from her mistakes and their consequences, while I had to make them repeatedly to gain the same ground.

Mary often mentions dad’s example of being moderate in all things (except moderation, which was an always-thing). When she talks about him as a role model she’d like to emulate, I remind her she’s been doing it for years.

And now, with the raw discovery of pancreatic cancer and the massive surgery following it, her wise way of living has come in handy. She didn’t need high drug doses and felt stronger quicker than expected, even escaping her hospital room sooner.

In the hotelShe and Bervin will stay at the hotel near the hospital for a week or so. They’ll learn to manage her temporary feeding tube (batteries and bags of formula), making sure she’s close to professional help if needed.

May her speedy recovery continue!

“Wise choices will watch over you.” (Proverbs 2:11)

Mary’s prayer requests:

  1. Praise for Bervin’s exceptional care, love, and closeness
  2. Praise for the abundant “milk of human kindness” from so many
  3. For Mary’s patience while her “insides” heal
  4. To get the knack of managing the feeding tube

 

 

A Love That’s True

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No marriage is without its stress points. Whether it’s something internal between husband and wife or something external that life throws at both of them, hard times can either make or break a relationship.

Broken HeartStatistics show, for example, that having a bankruptcy can cause a couple to split up. The birth of a special needs child can do it, too, or in-law problems, a critical spouse, or chronic health issues. And when life-and-death cancer hits, anything can happen.

A couple could blame each other for the dilemma they’re in. They might argue about it and berate each other, harming their relationship. But they could also weather the storm together, clinging to one another tighter than ever.

Mary and Bervin are currently traveling through one of those life-and-death crises, each of them exposed to a mountain of stress and sadness. Cancer has a way of doing that to people. But everything I’ve observed between the two of them points to increasing togetherness rather than a cracking of their marriage bond.

The day of Mary’s surgery (Monday), as four of us said goodbye, she went around the circle giving each of us a strong hug. Coming to Bervin, she passed him by. “I’m saving the best for last,” she said, looking at him. Then after hugging the rest of us, she went back to him and held on tight.

What part does God play in the traumas that come to all married couples? For one thing, he doesn’t waste even one of these experiences. Rough patches in marriage are particularly useful from his point of view, since they tend to polish off our rough edges and make couples look to him for help. At least that’s his hope.

Heading to surgeryGod’s intention is that when trouble comes, wives and husbands will race to put supportive arms around each other, satisfying the other one’s need without concern for their own. By doing so they demonstrate humility, servanthood, and true love, which pleases both their partner and the God who bonded them in marriage. It also primes the pump for a next time, when the one who’s been given the most, eagerly becomes the giver.

Traditional (old-fashioned) wedding vows include this concluding statement: “What God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.” (Mark 10:9) In other words, nothing of human origin should be allowed to pull them apart. When circumstances threaten to do that, even if it’s a disease, God hopes husband and wife will cling instead of crumble, coming out the other side stronger than ever.

That’s exactly what’s happening with Mary and Bervin. Mary’s life will never be the same now that cancer has come, and their marriage won’t be the same either. But that’s ok, because it’s going to be better than ever.

“Love… endures through every circumstance.” (1 Corinthians 13:7)

Mary’s prayer requests:

  1. For a peaceful night after a day of difficulty
  2. For pain meds to work without causing nausea
  3. For thorough healing of Mary’s insides
  4. For stamina to meet physical demands

Slow…. But Sure

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We live in a high speed world that demands we accomplish more in less time but get better results. This stands in sharp contrast to the way God works, and as Mary and the rest of us are learning, the way our bodies work, too: healing happens slowly.

Nausea has plagued her worse than the still-raw wounds left by Dr. Truty’s scalpel. It isn’t that the medical staff isn’t working hard to help her get better. Today, for example, Mary was visited by the surgical team of doctors, by multiple floor nurses, a few techs, several volunteers, and an impressive “pain management team” of three. All of them are trying to bring healing to her, listening closely what she says about how she’s feeling.

Nurse call buttonOur problem is we want her complaints fixed “yesterday”. It’s the same thing when Mary needs a nurse and pushes the call button. We expect she’ll come bursting into the room at a fast clip, 15 seconds after the light goes on. But though we sense we’re surrounded by experts, the machinations of a large hospital function painfully slow. The same goes for the healing of a wounded body.

photo(116)Since Monday night when Mary arrived in her hospital room after surgery (flashing a peace sign), several tubes, hoses, and lines connecting her to helpful machinery have been removed. This is tangible evidence improvement is indeed being made. Though her body still hurts, each day brings bits of progress.

And there’s a scriptural parallel to all this slow healing. God frequently uses the human body to picture spiritual truths. For instance, he parallels eye problems with the sin of judging others, and hearing trouble with a refusal to listen to his instruction. He uses the images of left and right hands to describe discreet giving, and compares different body parts to different spiritual gifts. He also labels the church a body, with himself as the head.

Mary’s slowly healing body can also represent something spiritual: God’s slow, gentle teaching to those who want to learn from him. Often he has to instruct us with the same lesson again and again before we get it. Learning takes time.

Occasionally we slip backwards, too, just like Mary’s body does. Her nausea may decrease while pain increases. Or cotton-mouth might improve with a spray, but the spray tastes terrible. And so we keep at it, in Mary’s case pushing the call button for help, and in spiritual matters calling to God for help in our Christian lives.

In both cases progress will come. Slowly, yes, but surely, too.

“Desire without knowledge is not good — how much more will hasty feet miss the way!” (Proverbs 19:2)

Mary’s prayer requests:

  1. For effective pain meds that don’t increase nausea
  2. For better nighttime sleep for Mary, and also Bervin (on a cot in the corner)
  3. Continued gratitude for so many people still praying for her!