Nelson writes that the pain seems to be getting worse, and like David in the Psalms, he calls out to God for relief. It’s also distressing not to know if “the sickness” has an end-date.

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August 17, 2022

“Lord, do not rebuke me in your anger or discipline me in your wrath. Have mercy on me, Lord, for I am faint; heal me, Lord, for my bones are in agony. My soul is in deep anguish. How long, Lord, how long? Turn, Lord, and deliver me; save me because of your unfailing love. Among the dead no one proclaims your name. Who praises you from the grave? I am worn out from my groaning. All night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears. My eyes grow weak with sorrow; they fail because of all my foes.” (Psalm 6:1-7)

Annso and I are plowing through the Bible for the second time, one chapter at a time, and yesterday we read this one. It couldn’t be more of a true prayer for me right now.

I am up lots of the night with neck pain–some unknown thing that doesn’t go away. I hope it’s not an infection of some kind. Either way, the words of this Psalm spell it out perfectly. How long, Lord?

It seems like forever since I got this sickness and since there was a pain-free day. Every day has the same thing–pain all night and into the morning. The morning is the best once the pain meds kick in, but mostly, they don’t work so good anymore. Then in the afternoon, I get the symptoms back and we do it again.

I pray for relief. “Does anyone praise you from the grave?” That’s a good question. Seems obvious, but David prays it to God as if he doesn’t know.

If I die, what good will that do? If I live on and on with pain day-in and day-out, what good does that do? Is there something I’ve done to deserve this? I guess we’ve all done things to deserve punishment, me for sure, but David’s’ question in another Psalm comes to mind: “Bring not your servant into judgement. No one is righteous before you…” or something to that effect.

If we are judged on earth with sickness in payment for our sins, life on earth will be a pretty miserable place. But God doesn’t seem to do that.

So what is it, Lord? Are you waiting for me to do something? Waiting for me to stop doing something? Is there a clock we are going by to end this suffering?

Why does it go on and on? It’s one thing after another, just lined up. My poor worn out body doesn’t have a chance to heal from one thing before the next one pops up.

Forgive me for self-pity. I hate that in myself. Please bring relief. Please help Annso and I to get through this and still be with you. We are doing the best we can, but it doesn’t seem to be good enough.

Yesterday, some friends visited and said it seems like I’ve turned a corner. That I look good and have been handling this so well. Funny how it looks from the outside compared with how I feel about it.

The days drag on and on, one after another. They seem busy to some extent, but the nights come like a threat and usually deliver the sleeplessness I fear. I pray, Lord, for relief. I pray that we can really turn a corner, that we can really come up over the hump here and have a little season without pain every day.

Chronic pain is so tiring. Help me to get over it, to heal from it, to be able to beat it. I am begging you, Lord.

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“You [Lord] have kept count of my tossings.” (Psalm 56:8)

Ever since Nelson was a young man he’d wanted to own a piece of income-generating real estate. But during most of those years, he was either “on the move” in ministry or living in Hawaii, where everything was always priced high. But the dream remained alive within him even then, despite his severe cancer.

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August 16, 2022

I have it lined up to look at a triplex tomorrow morning, but now it seems like the doors to the money have all closed. Then later the guy moved it back to Friday, buying me another 2 days.

I wonder how much I over-spiritualize the whole thing. Maybe God doesn’t say anything about this stuff, and we stamp his name on our stuff, only to have him sanction what we want to do.

Maybe it’s just simple: the bank wants this much to get them to lend the money, and you don’t have it, so you can’t do it. Simple as that.

God isn’t saying anything. So it seems like we can’t do it, the way it stands.

However, every time I kiss the whole thing goodbye and just let it go, something brings it to the forefront again. Now we have the triplex man with this whole thing that has the feel of God on it, so I give it another look.

I’m so thankful for the unity Annso and I have together on everything. We are of the same mind on so many things and have such an easy time making decisions. I can’t be thankful enough. I hardly know a couple who has it as easy as we do.

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“A faithful man will abound with blessings.” (Proverbs 28:20)

Nelson is convinced that God is good and will reward him for living in obedience to Christ. But he wonders about the when.    

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August 15, 2023

Thank you for the town of Rochester, for the insurance we have and the Mayo clinic. Thank you for that little triplex we found yesterday. I pray for wisdom to know what to do. Should we make an offer on it and try to get it, or not?

I am grateful for the Honda Pilot you pointed me to when we got here and what a great car it’s been for us so far. Thank you for all the money that came in and for all the generous people who gave so much to help us with our expenses.

Thank you for this new computer and how you lavish blessings on us in the midst of the monster storm. Thank you for the encouragement to hang in there and “try wait,” for the prophetic word I gave to the Kokua Crew that they have “no idea what is coming next” and to expect the unexpected this season. It couldn’t have been more right on.

Thank you for the little church Annso went to the other day and the friends we might meet there, and for her desire to do that. I sure wouldn’t if I were alone. Well, that’s not entirely true, because I did it at BBC and met Jeremy, Nick, Bill, the missions team, and everyone else we know there.

I just like to think of myself as this anti-social guy or something, but I’m thankful that your ways are higher than mine, Lord. Thank you for this quiet time and for bringing me into it after such a long season of busyness in Kona where it was just go, go, go all the time.

Lord, I pray for more times of prayer and worship for me alone to be with you and tune into what you are doing and saying.

There is a strength in projecting yourself to the reward in the future instead of the struggle right now, even though the struggle is strong and present. Even part of the reward can be had right now, knowing that the endurance to stay in the moment is happening right now. Easier said than done.

I made arrangements to look at this triplex the day after tomorrow. The guy wants $275K for it, and he walked me through the in’s and out’s on the phone and talked to me about how good a job real estate is and how well it takes care of you in the future. You don’t get paid now, but it builds for the future.

Bill gave me this:

“…fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.” ( Hebrews 12:2)

He encouraged me to cultivate an attitude that focuses on the rewards instead of the challenges, which goes with what I have been challenged about. First, the heavenly reward, and second, the earthly reward.

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“Your Father who sees in secret will reward you.” (Matthew 6:4)