This journal entry is mostly a prayer to the One who controls Nelson’s life, live or die. He believes God has full power over his cancer and trusts him to do what’s best in the long run. But how about all the struggles in the short term?

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August 15, 2022

Annso and I were reading in Job the other day and the words of this guy, Elihu, stood out to me, even though he isn’t necessarily speaking the words of God. I saw it as a word to me, either applying to heaven or to another phase of life here on earth free from all this suffering.

“He is wooing you from the jaws of distress to a spacious place free from restriction, to the comfort of your table laden with choice food. But now you are laden with the judgment due the wicked; judgment and justice have taken hold of you. (Job 36:16-17)

Lord, it’s hard to actually look forward to that, because I want to be here with Annso and Will. I want to raise him up and love her and be with her, but if you take me away, I have no choice about it.

You do what you do, and I can only get on board with it. We are all praying I can stay here, and that’s what we all want. Death is so uncertain, even though we all confess there is a heaven, and we want to go there. I don’t know how anyone can claim to be totally free of fear when it comes to going through that.

I have the best little family, and my prayer is to stay with them and have many more years here. Did you give us a son only to take me away, Lord, and have Annso alone with him?

Did you give us the insurance and doorway to the Mayo Clinic only for me to die at the end of all this great treatment? Are all these people praying only for me to die in this process? Please give me long life.

Please allow us to get a house or duplex so we can put down roots here and make Rochester our home. Please allow me to live to see it happen. You have always done more than all we ask or imagine, and the start to this is certainly that.

It’s hard to imagine it getting any crazier, but I’m sure you can manage that, Lord. And I’m down with whatever you have, even though the ride has gotten so bumpy I believe I might just break to pieces in the process. I am committed to the process with Annso, but I still pray for it to be over soon or at least to let up a little.

I always think it’s good to write up a gratitude list. I’m thankful for so many things. I’m thankful Ralph and Astrid have an apartment here now and for the help they are to us with Will and just in general. I pray they would pray wide open to anything you might have.

I’m thankful you have given me Annso and how great a person she is, how dedicated to you and to me she is. I could never do this without her. Thank you for the grace to go on all this time so far, for the both of us.

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 “Stand firm in the faith…. Be strong.” (1 Corinthians 16:13)

Once again Nelson ponders the possibility of dying, but he isn’t put off by it or fearful.

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August 15, 2022

It’s been harder than ever lately with the ongoing sickness and always something wrong with my body. Ralph and Astrid are here, which is a huge help to us.

The baby boy is doing great, and we are so thankful for that. So many things are better than they could be. It’s important to be thankful for them and to mention them. The girl Annso is discipling back in Kona, sent me the “Try Wait” message this morning. She was getting it tattooed on her arm after I gave it to the Kokua Crew last Summer.

She sent me the very message I gave to them at the perfect time. There’s nothing I need to do but hold fast and wait. Dig in and hold on. One of the hardest things to do is exactly that.

If we live, we live for the Lord; and if we die, we die for the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord. (Romans 14:8)

It’s a win either way, which is the way I have to see it, given I have no power over the outcome one way or the other. Whether I live or die, and believe me, I would rather live a while longer, I do it unto you Lord, and Lord, I live for you or die just the same.

I want to be a good example either way. And if what I say I believe happens when I die, I will be released from this body once and for all. I will be released from the nonstop pain, the constant trouble, pill-taking, nausea, joint and muscle pain, and everything else.

“For to me, living means living for Christ, and dying is even better.” (Philippians 1:21)

Apartment living is getting to Nelson and his family, and on this night, it all came to a head. In the process, he was able to connect the words of the Lord to what was happening out in the hall.

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August 10, 2022

I called the cops on some folks this morning at 6 am, because they were banging the doors and going back and forth in our building making tons of noise. First Annso went out and told them to be quiet, then I did it once, then I called.

Astrid [in a separate apartment] said the cops had been there already, about 4 am. There were tons of people packed into an apartment they don’t actually rent, with an extension cord running across the hall to steal power, and noise all night long. I don’t like to see my wife, who works so hard to keep our baby boy sleeping, upset by these morons.

They are self-centered and should be stopped from charging around keeping the working folks up all night. Either way, we move out of this place in just over a month, so we won’t have to deal with it.

The interesting thing is, Annso reads this devotional every night while we stretch out for a few minutes before bed, called The Jesus Book. Last night’s entry was about the cowardly. And that was what came to mind, being afraid of the reactions of these people when I confronted them about the noise. That helped get me out there to talk to them, thinking about the passage that talked about that.

It had some pretty strong language, and to think the “cowardly” are in there on that list:

“And he said to me, ‘It is done! I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. To the thirsty I will give from the spring of the water of life without payment. The one who conquers will have this heritage, and I will be his God and he will be my son. But as for the cowardly, the faithless, the detestable, as for murderers, the sexually immoral, sorcerers, idolaters, and all liars, their portion will be in the lake that burns with fire and sulfur, which is the second death’.” (Revelation 21:6-8)

Cowardly and the faithless. Those are 2 things it would be easy to slide into at the same time as you’re living a “good Christian life.” They are also linked together in some ways. For a person to have faith, it needs to have action, otherwise faith without deeds is dead.

A person who doesn’t have faith is essentially a coward in some ways. I step out in faith into something I don’t see. That’s part of the definition of faith. Being certain of what I do not see.

If I am not willing to step into something unknown that God calls me into, then I must be afraid it won’t work out or something bad will happen. And if I don’t do something because I’m afraid, then I am a coward.

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“Faith without deeds is useless.” (James 2:20)