Feeling Inadequate

IRS formsThere’s nothing like a 1040 form to make a non-mathematical person like me feel dim-witted, especially on a day when I had already been through one other brainless episode.

The first began innocently when Klaus dropped by to spend a couple of hours. I asked if he could teach me how to email a pdf document to someone, and he said, “Sure. No problem.”

An hour later, I was still practicing, working on my sixth try without success. After each failure (accompanied by groans of defeat) Klaus would patiently say, “Let’s try once more. You’ll get it this time.”

In the end I had to write down every step in order: “Look on the left of the screen; click on the 4th option down; a purple box will appear; scroll down to…” etc.

When Klaus would say, “Just fool around with it a little and try several things,” I felt like a hitchhiker being pushed out of a car in the Sahara Desert. I know I’ll get it someday, maybe even the next time I try, but without Klaus in the house, results are bound to be mixed.

H & R Block

Later the same day I was sitting with a tax expert at her H & R Block computer, thinking the only thing I’d be required to do was watch her work. How was I to know she was going to ask so many complicated questions?

It doesn’t take much for some of us to feel incompetent. That goes for spiritual things, too. Maybe especially for those.

Sometimes when studying the Bible I feel thick-in-the-head, unsure of what God is trying to say to me. But there’s more to it than just not understanding what a passage says. It also can be intimidating to open Scripture with the goal of trying to get “inside” the logic of God. That can feel really awkward or uncomfortable.

But what might his perspective be as we’re reading and studying… a trying? I’m just guessing, but I’d say he’s probably smiling, appreciating our efforts, even those that end with only partial understanding. Thankfully, he’s always been a Person who looks at our intentions rather than the results. (1 Samuel 16:7)

And intelligence probably has very little to do with it. Even feeling brainless is ok. After all, if a child can understand much of what the Bible says, nothing should stop the rest of us from trying, too, even those of us who feel dim-witted in front of a 1040 form.

The Lord looks down from heaven on all mankind to see if there are any who understand, any who seek God.” (Psalm 14:2)

Dream a Little Dream

Some of us have had our dreams come true, and many have had dreams that haven’t. A few of those unrealized dreams have been secrets, hopes we quietly nurtured without telling anyone. When it became clear those dreams had died, we suffered in silence, since no one knew.

Other dashed dreams are shared with others because they can’t be hidden: a pink slip at work, an abandoned home, a soldier without a limb, a divorced couple. Yet nothing discourages us from dreaming.

Sometimes it’s hard to tell if our dreams are coming or going. Maybe they’re doing both. As Pastor Colin Smith says, “The home where you live is yours for a time. The work that you do is yours for a time. The people you love are yours for a time. One day, your home will be lived in by others. One day, your work will be continued by others. One day, your money will belong to others.”

Dreams.

Even in our dreaming we need to remember that old adage, “The only constant is change.” Nurturing dreams is probably a good thing, though, as long as we keep them in a proper perspective. Do we absolutely have to have a dream fulfilled before we can be happy? Or do we hold it lightly and tell the Lord, “It’s really up to you.” And then, after a dream comes true but eventually goes through a change, do we erupt in anger?

Some of us have dreamed of future scenarios that, had we been given them, might have been our undoing. Looking backwards, we see that and are thankful God prevented them from coming true.

So how are we to dream with wisdom? I think the only sure-fire way is to do it through questions. Questions addressed to God:

“My heart desires such-and-such, Lord, but is this something you want for me?” Or, “All I can think about is x-y-z, but if you want me to fill my mind with something other than that, would you please let me know what it is?” Or, “I’ve earmarked my bank account for this-or-that, but did you have a different idea for that money?”

I believe God is honored when we ask him questions, as long as we open our “ears to hear” his responses and then heed them. I also believe he will definitely respond, which is where dreaming-wisdom comes in. If one of our dreams is realized because God is behind it, we can be sure it’ll be every bit as satisfying as we’d hoped. But if it’s something we want that he doesn’t think is good for us, we can be sure the uphill battle we fight to make it happen won’t deliver the pleasure-pay-off we thought it would.

“God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us.” (Ephesians 3:20, The Message)

Stop the bleeding.

Sharp!Baby Emerald was injured this week. As Birgitta and I were bent over an old photo album with her sitting between us, in a flash she’d stuck her finger in a Coke can and sliced it on the opening. Birgitta tried to hold a Kleenex on her tiny finger, but Emerald was quick to yank it away, and blood began dotting the clothes on both of them.

To speed the clotting process, we chipped some ice and put it in a baggie, but holding it next to her petite finger proved impossible. The only thing to do was bandage it tight, despite the smallest Band-Aid being far too big. As the bleeding continued, we taped two fingers together, placing one bandage over the tops and another around the knuckles, but immediately Emerald put both fingers in her mouth. Choking on a bandage would only compound our problems.

Emerald's wound

We decided to put Emerald in her front pack and take a walk while Birgitta held onto her hand, giving the wound a chance to seal. But every so often she’d yank it away and shove her fingers into her mouth. Her powerful baby-sucking, even for a few seconds, increased the bleeding, and her Band-Aids quickly soaked with fresh blood.

Our last idea was to find a shirt that was too big for her, pull the sleeve over her hand, and pin it closed. But as we watched, the sleeve and safety pin went right to her mouth. Choking on a pin would be even worse than on a Band-Aid.

The sleeve remedy

Meanwhile Emerald kept bleeding. So I got my sewing kit, and while Birgitta held her injured hand tightly, I stitched across the end of her sleeve. She immediately put the whole thing in her mouth, but after we insisted she suck her pacifier instead of her shirt, the bleeding finally stopped.

Neither of us would ever hurt Emerald intentionally, and seeing her bright blood on the tissues and clothing caused great alarm. Yet there we were, mopping up after she’d been injured in our care.

Bleeding fingers have much in common with bleeding hearts. We try to live uprightly, but then something happens that makes us “bleed.” We hurt badly and desperately want the pain to stop, so we try all kinds of remedies: surrounding ourselves with people, or isolating ourselves; going on a shopping spree, or being unwilling to leave the house; eating too much, or not eating enough; refusing to face our pain, or thinking of nothing else.

But do we take advantage of the best way to stop a bleeding heart? Right after the injury we should pour our pain out to the heavenly Father, because his healing power trumps anything we could do on our own.

As for Emerald, we removed the shirt and Band-Aids at bedtime, and healing had begun. Of course we all know who was the One behind that.

“The people all tried to touch Jesus, because power was coming from him and healing them all.” (Luke 6:19)