Nelson is frustrated with his limitations and decides that his cancer must be some kind of test from God. If it is, he decides he wants to pass it.

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July 31, 2022

It’s day 3 of the new drug.

Astrid has suggested a picnic, so we’ll most likely do that. But I only want to go on a picnic if Annso wants it. She is a wonderful, amazing person and deserves to get something nice. But the idea of packing up a bunch of supplies and driving out to sit in a field and eat them is not something I have the energy to do.

Astrid does a lot for us, coming here [from Germany] and taking care of the baby boy so we can go look at houses and other things, and so I can fight cancer, which is like my full time job these days.

The swelling in my legs and left arm are terrible, worse than ever. I worry about it, and the remedies of elevating it and eating protein don’t seem to have any effect whatsoever. They say to do it for 2-3 weeks, but we have been doing that, and the legs are the same still, even after lots of that stuff [protein powder].

The docs don’t seem to care much about it, but everyone else reminds me about it all the time—to sit down and elevate my legs. My attitude is tired. People affirm my stamina, but it’s running out a bit. I don’t have the patience I used to. But maybe this is the time when it’s key to kick it into high gear. I don’t know.

Lord, I pray for the strength to lean on you instead of on getting well or on a remedy or anything else. Even if my wrist and legs swell up like the Good Year Blimp and explode open all over the place, I will praise you. Even if they never go down and people ask me about it every day. “What’s wrong with your arm? What’s wrong with your legs?” I will press on and not worry. I’ll just think, “God will save me or he won’t, but I will praise him.”

The test seems to be whether or not I will praise him, not what actually happens. Is that the way to pass this test, Lord? We read Job right this minute, and I have the chance to apply it to my life right now, today.

Simple, but hard.

There is freedom in that thinking it seems, to connect to something outside this space and time and cling to you, Lord. If I am connected to the circumstances, I will crumble if I stay sick or if my circumstances get worse instead of better. But if I cling to you, Lord, then I can rise above them, no matter what happens.

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“Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life…” (James 1:12) 

Nelson is weary—not just physically, although that’s true, but weary of all the troubles cancer has brought. He’s dispirited and discouraged, looking to God for a new burst of strength and the courage to be able to keep going.

                                                    >>>>>>>>>>

July 30, 2022

Today is day 2 of the targeted chemotherapy. No side effects I can see. I feel tired like always and generally pretty run down, but that’s nothing new.

I’m thankful for everything God gives me, but this week I had a bit of a breakdown. I just felt tired of being sick, tired of panic attacks every day, tired of pills, of not sleeping good, of sleeping in a chair, of not having anything normal anymore. Tired of all of it.

I went and bought myself a smoothie at the cafeteria at Mayo, and sat there and drank it, wondering why God is allowing this to happen, and what the end game will be.

How long will this go on for? Did all this happen just so I can die in the end? I wonder that sometimes. It could go any way. We could get a house and live happily ever after, or I might die and Annso end up going back to Germany with Will.

I hope we get the first option, but you never know. Job, said, “Though he slay me, yet will I serve him.” Lord, I pray you would give more strength and courage. I pray for stamina now. I need it and so does Annso. You have laid this heavy burden on us for some reason. Even now as Astrid cooks a yummy steak lunch for us, my stomach turns with intense nausea for no good reason.

                                                    >>>>>>>>>>

 “The Lord your God is in your midst.” (Zephaniah 3:17)

After Nelson’s medical team took nine biopsies and sent them in for different analyses, on the very last one they found what they’d be hoping for—a perfect match to Nelson’s particular type of cancer.

This was like a key that would unlock the strongest way for his body to fight the lung cancer, by training his healthy cells to attack the cancer cells. Doctors referred to it as “targeted therapy.” It was the most encouraging thing that could have happened, and hope surged through all of us.

                                                       >>>>>>>>>>

July 28, 2022

Had a great meeting with one of the docs about the anxiety I was having. He said not to worry about taking the Lorazepam but instead that we can easily get me “off” that later. He said I have a lot to be worried about and shouldn’t be concerned with the little things like that.

We started the targeted therapy which is the BRAF match. It’s the chemo immunotherapy for the mutation they’ve matched it up to. According to the doc, we are expecting lots of relief from it and should see results quickly, compared to the original [general] chemo they hit me with in June.

So far, I’ve had 1 hit June 7 or so, 1 hit June30, and now this one comes in the form of two pills taken daily.

I’m so thankful, Lord, that you have brought this about and that we can look at a house tomorrow, that maybe we could even own a house if we want to. How cool would that be? I have had that as a dream for so many years now, that it hardly even seems possible. Amen.

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“You will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you.” (Jeremiah 29:12)