In the ranks of our 7 children, Klaus and Hans (#4, #5) are the closest in age at 16 months apart. While pregnant with Hans I worried how I’d deal with a newborn while still caring for a one-year-old, but somehow it got done, and after those first few difficult months, it was a joy to watch these boys build a strong friendship that’s lasted 3 decades.

When Hans got married, Klaus was his best man. This summer when Klaus gets married, Hans will be his best man. As their mom, I’m blessed to watch them relate not only as brothers but also as friends, which is true for any mother observing closeness between her children.

But it doesn’t always turn out this way, and when it doesn’t, a mom can’t force it. When children are young, we can promote harmony telling them to say, “I’m sorry” and “I forgive you,” hoping eventually they’ll understand the importance of those words. In the end, though, sibling friendship is up to siblings.

I wonder if God views the earthly friendships of his children as moms do. After all, once we become Christians, we’re all siblings in his family, and whether or not we get along is really up to us.

I love his realistic emphasis in Romans 12:18. “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” Although God is completely divine, he comes wonderfully down-to-earth with these instructive words. He lets us know that he knows it’s difficult (and sometimes not even possible) to live at peace with siblings or others. But what he tells us to do, we can do, which is to promote peace whenever it depends solely on us.

We can’t force peace if the other half of the relationship doesn’t want it, but we can be flawless with our half. And we don’t have to wonder what that looks like, because God gets us started with 20 useful ideas:

• Love honestly.
• Hate evil.
• Promote the excellent.
• Let others get the glory.
• Serve God with enthusiasm.
• Demonstrate joy.
• Have hope.
• Navigate troubles patiently.
• Pray daily.
• Give to the needy.
• Invite people over.
• Show kindness to the unkind.
• Get excited over another’s happiness.
• Be sad with a mourner.
• Promote harmony at home.
• Don’t rank people.
• Practice humility.
• Never try to even-the-score.
• Make righteous choices.
• Remind yourself God is always working.

In practicing these, even some of them, we’ll steadily chip away at the Lord’s instructions to live at peace “when it depends on us.” And to the extent we make that effort, he’ll skillfully cause all sorts of unexpected things to happen behind the scenes until (surprise!) fractious relationships begin to evidence peace…

…sometimes even when we thought it wasn’t possible.

If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” (Romans 12:18)

The other day Birgitta and Emerald set out to run some errands together, and since infant car seats have to be in the back seat these days, a young mommy can’t reach her child while driving. In my day, car seats could legally be in the front (no air bags yet), which allowed mothers to adjust a pacifier, pat a fussy baby, or even hold a bottle into a hungry mouth.

But now everything’s different. My guess is accidents have been caused by mothers struggling to keep their eyes on the road while reaching behind them to shake a car seat or pat a crying baby who’s just out of reach.

Emerald isn’t a fan of her car seat and usually begins fussing the minute her straps are clicked. This trip was no exception, and when Birgitta couldn’t reach her to help, she screamed the full 19 miles to their shopping destination.

“She was safe in her chair, dressed warmly against the cold,” Birgitta said. “She’d been fed, changed, and should have fallen asleep on the ride but instead cried the entire time. Her screaming didn’t change our destination or the time it took to get there, but she made herself and me miserable the whole way.”

We talked about how older (and supposedly wiser) people like us often do the same thing, not necessarily crying full-tilt but selfishly protesting as loudly as the situation will allow. As Birgitta said, “We’re on life’s journey and will arrive at the same destination at about the same time whether we gripe along the way or not.”

The only difference is that we quickly label the pointless crying of a baby but have trouble recognizing the same conduct in ourselves.

It’s no secret which behavior is the most mature, especially in light of an adult’s grown-up understanding next to that of a 3 month old baby. Emerald has no awareness of time passing or miles clicking off, which is why we tolerate her crying. But the rest of us have no excuse, which is not to say we don’t try to excuse ourselves.

What’s really happening when we choose to be negative is exactly what was happening in the car with Emerald. Her self-focused objections dominated, making everyone miserable including herself. Our negativity does the same to those around us. They say misery loves company, but none of us is willing to accompany miserable people who selfishly focus on what’s going wrong for them. We’d rather be with someone positive, which is why God tells us to keep our self-focused moments to a minimum.

If we don’t, we’ll simply reap what we sow, which amounts to an abundant harvest of misery, both inside and out of our cars.

“The person who plants selfishness, ignoring the needs of others—ignoring God!—harvests a crop of weeds. All he’ll have to show for his life is weeds!” (Galatians 6:7, The Message)