A Surprising Gift

Posted on January 17, 2013 by Margaret

Back in 1984, Dr. Kevin Leman wrote a parenting book entitled, Making Children Mind without Losing Yours with chapters like this one: “How to Act When They Act Up.” He recognized that parents needed help and gave some good advice.

Part of the problem is that parents never know what to expect. Their task is full of surprises. Although some are glorious (like the intensity of love for a child), some are horrendous (like the power of a temper tantrum). And as we look back on our efforts at the end of two decades, we wonder if what we did was good enough. We see mistakes and have regrets, but we also see we did some things right. But time’s up, and the way the kids “turned out” is generally the way it stands.

Despite all the surprises of parenting during those in-the-home years, the biggest one for me came after our active parenting had ended and our 7 had all left the nest. Nate and I had gotten started on the parenthood journey in 1973, and I figured motherhood would fall off a cliff when baby Nelson reached the age of 21. It was a big surprise that our relationship morphed into one of adult-to-adult while still retaining strong attachments as mother-and-son, father-and-son.

Although we’d had our share of “run-ins” during the growing up years, once Nelson became an adult, our problems melted away, and we were free to become friends. With our eyebrows raised, Nate and I used to talk about the wonder of that new stage of parenting.

Now, since our children are grown and all leading productive lives, the same delightful change has occurred in each of them. These adult siblings are looking out for their mother and each other, and they work hard to have time together. If I keeled over tomorrow, I have no doubt they’d all stay close-in-heart.

I’m still their mom, though in different ways now, and each of them reminds me often of the special place I have in their lives. It’s undeserved but so appreciated.

All of this adult-child blessing is actually God’s intention for all parents. It’s as if he says, “When I sent you a new baby, I knew I was giving you an enormous assignment. But you took it on, and now, in these years after the difficult days have passed, you’re learning the depth of what I meant when I said ‘children are a gift.’ ”

(…all but Lars)

My heart breaks over some of the mistakes I made as a mother, and yet my children demonstrate loyalty and love to me anyway. If I’d have known about all these goodies waiting for me at the end of active parenting, I would have been much less likely, during the stressful years, to have the mind-losing moments Kevin Leman referred to in his book. But none of that matters now, because I’m surrounded by the lovely surprise of one of God’s best gifts: my adult children.

“Don’t you see that children are God’s best gift? Oh, how blessed are you parents, with your quivers full of children!” (Psalm 127:3,5 The Message)

Trails

Posted on January 16, 2013 by Margaret

When driving back to the Chicago area at dusk recently, the trail-marks of O’Hare’s jet planes made a beautiful criss-cross pattern in the sky highlighted by a gold and blue sunset. I could hardly pay attention to the road for wanting to stare at it, so I snapped a photo instead, to study later. The jets that made the trails were nowhere to be seen, but we knew they’d been there because of what they’d left behind.

When I walk through my house and see baby items, I know a baby has been here. Of course they belong to Emerald, and she lives with us, so that makes sense. But even when she’s tucked into her bassinet, out of sight and sound, evidence of her former presence has been left behind.

That’s true even for my other 6 grandchildren. Today I was sweeping when I noticed something cute on one of the heating duct grills. It was a tiny window cling in the shape of a flower. I’d given all the children sheets of the clear, Jello-like decorations, and most of them lasted only long enough for a day’s play. The purple flower, however, had gone astray and became a sweet reminder of the children who had recently stood playing in that place.

God leaves reminders of where he’s been, too, hoping we’ll recognize his activity and think about the fact that he was nearby. If we take the time to notice, we can see his “trails” all around us, for example outdoors every day. They’re visible in large ways (the heavens on a clear night) and small ones (the diligence of a squirrel transporting acorns).

We can also see God’s trails in people, like the testimony of someone whose life has been changed after committing to Christ. We see it when we watch a tiny start-up church flourish and grow, when a girl forgives the one who abused her, and when a terminally ill person dies with a smile on his face. All of these things are trailer-markers letting us know God was there.

One major difference, though, between God’s trails and those of jetliners, babies, and preschoolers is that after he leaves his mark, he doesn’t leave. He stays with the new Christian, the growing church, the girl who forgives, and the dying man.

And about that dying man? When his soul flies away, it’s so quick and complete that not even a wisp of a trail will be left behind him.

[Our lives] ”pass quickly and we fly away.” (Psalm 90:10)

Dumbing it Down

Posted on January 15, 2013 by Margaret

After 5 weeks of living with young children, I’ve been again reminded that it takes special wisdom and expertise to communicate effectively with toddlers. Once instructions and warnings have been given, young parents repeatedly say, “Do you understand?”

A little person might look her daddy square in the eye and say, “Yes, Daddy.” But later, when behavior proves she didn’t get it after all, both parties get frustrated. Sometimes dumbing it down enough for little ones to understand is a tall order.

I know of one parent who does that with perfection: Father God. The main channel of his instruction and warning is his Word. Through that he communicates from a heart of love and because of that does a flawless job of dumbing it all down for us. But in the Bible he lets us know that we’re quite different than he is, and as a result, even dumbed-down information can be hard for us to absorb.

In 1 Corinthians Paul writes, “We know in part.” Ain’t that the truth!

Our knowing-part is probably only 1% of what he actually tells us. As it is, we misinterpret passages of Scripture, reading it one way one year and flipping it the next. We also ask questions of our Father in prayer and end up trusting answers that turn out to be only what we wish he’d said to us.

The dilemma of not thoroughly understanding what God tells us seems not to have any solution. The problem is that we’re finite, flawed humans unable to understand an infinite, perfect Father, which is a dispiriting truth, in terms of communication. So, what can be done?

Just like a toddler who hears his daddy’s repeated instructions and eventually learns to understand, we, too, can get God’s drift better and better through his repetition. We might have to hear something over and over, but with enough patient listening, we gradually grow less dumb.

But it gets even better than that. Graciously our Father has let us know that one day he won’t have to dumb it down for us at all, because he will have transformed us into know-it-alls. Not that we’ll know everything about him personally, but we’ll be able to understand his Word and will know how to interpret it accurately.

All the scriptural debates and mysterious questions will suddenly have explanations, and even those of us who are theologically uneducated will know as much as highly esteemed biblical scholars.

In the mean time, all of us who are trying to communicate with young children will just have to lovingly and patiently dumb it down for them, patterning ourselves after our loving and patient Father God who does the same for us.

“We are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when Christ appears, we shall be like him.” (1 John 3:2)