Hi Midge: from Birgitta

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As my children continue to weigh in on how they’re missing their father, below are a few thoughts from our youngest. Although Birgitta is 22 now, she was still a teenager when her father died, and because of that she’s grieved in a way different from the other six. Not knowing anyone else her age whose father had died made for a unique sense of isolation as she tried to adjust.

Here is her response to my recent inquiry about the 3rd anniversary of Nate’s death:

Hi, Midge,

Thanks for your email. I appreciate your sensitivity to us and how we’re dealing with Papa’s death, even 3 years later.

I think my grieving has progressed from dwelling on regrets and loss to appreciating the man Papa was and all the blessings he left us with. Of course there are still sad, difficult days, and I always think of November 3rd as one of them.

Papa feels especially distant this year, and I think my having a baby has been a big part of that. My whole life has been reshaped by Emerald, and he has been gone since long before her arrival. I think this is a very difficult and lasting consequence of losing a loved one. I don’t, however, want to discount his presence in my heart and mind as I’ve gone through and continue to experience life-changing moments.

I want to find a healthy balance between living in a world without Papa’s physical presence while carrying him with me in other ways. I think Papa’s absence has also led me to seek out a father/daughter relationship with God. And that is a continual process just like dealing with Papa’s absence is. I also think it has made me more aware and appreciative of all the relationships in my life. There’s a lot to be thankful for.

As you said, God has blessed our family exponentially. And He will continue to! Love you, Midge.

Love, Britt

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God deals with every individual one-on-one, because every set of circumstances and responses is unique. I’m especially thankful for this quality in the Lord, since grieving is such a personal thing with each person requiring a different form of tender help from him.

Hearing from my children as we begin another year without Nate has been a comfort to me, especially seeing how God has partnered with them along the bumpy way. As our heavenly Father steadily assures us through his Word, He is very near.

“[God] is not far from any one of us. For in him we live and move and exist.” (Acts 17:27-28)

 

 

 

 

Hi, Mom: from Hans

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We [son Hans and his family of 5, living in England] remembered Papa on Saturday evening, ordering in dinner, and chatting about that evening three years ago when he left us on earth and went home to Christ. For his arrival in Heaven we are grateful and are looking forward to seeing him again when our time comes, but in his absence from the earth, we miss him very much.

Like I said to you on the phone the other day, I long to be able to exchange thoughts and words with him more and more as I cope with walking by faith, working to support my family, and being the head of a household. I admire what he did as a father and the many sacrifices he made for us, and the care he displayed to us all.

I think of him in little things – like when we got little Fizzy, our precious feline, and the way he used to like putting hats on our cats and dressing them up! I think of him when we are getting everybody suited up for church each week, or when I come home from work in the evening and greet my little family.

I remarked to Kate the other day that the smell of Johnsons baby shampoo brought back strong memories of Papa for some reason. When I thought about it, I realized it was because he did our bath-time routine, just like I do with my kids, and I still connect the smell to him from that time.

I recall many memories of my father as I ‘go through’ these experiences on the other end, as the Dad. I recall how big his hands seemed when he signed something for us for school, and the loud laugh so completely his own, such a wonderful trademark of his. All my friends would always smile when they heard it for the first time, and every time after that. It was impossible not to join in when he started!

All my friends took a liking to Papa. He would take an interest in them and ask intelligent questions (sometimes too intelligent) and was non-judgmental, accepting even the rag-tag characters who stumbled through the door with us.

I found a note from Papa just last week, God’s timing:

It says, “Written on airplane, 4 – 13 – 09, Hans + Katy + Nicholas – Thanks so much for the airport run and the coffee and the baggage handling. It means a great deal to me. You have that blessed little treasure Nicholas. And bless you for dedicating him to Christ! You are doing life correctly! Our stay was absolutely wonderful! You and all the Mills are great hosts! Love, Papa/Nate.”

What a wonderful encouragement to read that from Papa these 3½ years later. The airport run, and coffee at Costa (Nelson, Papa, and me) as we awaited his departure flight, and baggage handling (because his back was troubling him).

This was the last time I saw Papa until he was close to the end of his life. He was classic Papa, and Nels and I sat with him at the coffee shop for a while, just chatting before his flight. I recall Nels remarked that it seemed a poignant time, because usually Papa was pushing the schedule forward, but on that occasion he was uncharacteristically laid back. When we kept suggesting it was maybe time to go, he’d say we had a little more time.

We love you and are thankful to have you,

Hans, Kate, Nick, Tom, and Evelyn

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“He who fathers a wise son will be glad in him.” (Proverbs 23:24)

In Secret

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All of us have had experience with Secret Santa gifts. Maybe it was in elementary school or Girl Scouts or even in an office setting, but we’re familiar with the inexpensive gift-giving done anonymously to someone assigned to us.

Keeping secrets is always fun, at Christmas or any time. Last week, for example, I received something that was given in secret. While Birgitta, Emerald, and I were away from home, someone came to our door and left an envelope on the front mat.

I didn’t recognize the writing, and when I opened it, I expected to see a “from who.” Instead of a signature there was a lavish gift card and a short message: “Go get some donuts, diapers or dog treats – whatever you need. Wishing you God Speed. Your friend.” Tucked inside was a gift card for $100!

Birgitta and I studied the handwriting, trying to determine if we’d seen it before. Was it a woman’s writing? A man’s? Was it a young person? Someone older? I began asking around, but no one would claim responsibility. I wish I could say thanks, but anonymous gift-givers usually aren’t looking for that.

Giving gifts in secret is practically a lost art these days. When wealthy people donate to an institution, they’re happy to have a building named after them. When philanthropic organizations give, they make sure the source and its purpose is announced publically. When I give a present, I hope the recipient will feel my love behind the choice of gift, so I sign my name. And when I put something in the church offering, the envelope I use has my name on it.

It’s reasonable to want credit for our gifts. Giving anonymously is done only with careful intention, and very few do it. But when Jesus said, “It’s more blessed to give than receive,” he meant it for non-credited givers as well as those hoping for credit. Maybe those whose gifts are given in secret somehow enjoy their giving even more than the rest of us.

What kind of person gives anonymously? Maybe it’s someone who simply loves keeping secrets. Or it might be a person who doesn’t want a relationship to be tipped one way or another by the size or type of gift. It’s also possible the anonymous giver just wants to be sure the gift can’t be given back, in case the receiver considers it too generous.

God is all for secretive giving. Using an interesting metaphor, he says in Scripture that we shouldn’t even let one of our hands know what the other is giving. The Bible also says that if no credit is sought on earth, the giver will be credited in heaven. (And if I know God at all, it’ll probably significantly magnified.)

So, dear anonymous friend, thank you for your very generous gift. God watched you leave it at my house and is personally planning something very special for you!

“When you do a charitable deed, do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing, that your charitable deed may be in secret; and your Father who sees in secret will himself reward you openly.” (Matthew 6:3-4)