The Marrying Kind, Part V

Posted on August 1, 2010 by Margaret

A year ago at this time, Nate and I knew nothing of the terminal cancer diagnosis that was about to crash into our lives. But he was experiencing serious back pain and was looking forward to “going under the knife” for a chance at reducing his agony.

Spring was difficult as he continued to work a full schedule, commuting to Chicago’s Loop daily from the suburbs. But when he arrived home at 7:00 pm, he was exhausted. The stresses of lawyering didn’t compare to the strain of fighting constant pain.

Nate became especially low during the weeks when I was packing up the house to move. I’d spend the short evening with him and then, after he was asleep, would head back to the basement crawl space.

As I dug into boxes of memorabilia, I came across reminders of past friendships and events. It occurred to me Nate might enjoy looking at some of the items if he couldn’t sleep during the night. Good memories might be a happy distraction from the pain that continually tormented him.

He always sat on one end of a short couch where the lamp shone well on his reading material and the table was just right to hold his coffee, Post-its, pen and phone. I decided to try my idea and put a letter from an old law school friend on the table. I knew he’d see it before the night had ended.

In the morning, the letter from his pal was lying on the kitchen counter with a Post-it note attached and a “remember when” statement. My plan had worked. For at least a few minutes during his painful night, he’d been lifted to a different time and place.

As I continued working in the basement, I’d set things aside to use in the middle-of-the-night “mail drop.” And every morning the item was in the kitchen with a note attached. Eventually he told me he looked forward to seeing what was on the table, thanking me for this nightly walk down Memory Lane.

And then I found the letter he’d written to my parents shortly after we were engaged. (The Marrying Kind, Part III) I set it on his table, and in the morning his attached Post-it had two lines of poetry on it:

“When all the world and love was young —

Come live with me and be my love.”

After 40 years of marriage, Nate had again declared his love for me. One of the lines in his letter had said: “Love for Margaret is a spiritual gift with which the Lord has blessed me.”

When I first read that, it sounded grandiose and exaggerated. But in thinking about love being the creation of God, Nate’s declaration was on target. Scripture says God himself is love and that true love always initiates with him.

I do know one thing beyond all doubt. Nate loved me unconditionally. His Post-it note, attached to the letter he wrote 40 years earlier, bookended a lifetime of love toward me that had not waned through all those years. Because I was not always loveable, and because Nate loved me anyway, there is no other explanation except to say, as he did, that love is a gift from God.

And I’m thankful Nate unwrapped it and shared it with me.

“Let us continue to love one another, for love comes from God.” (1 John 4:7a)

The Marrying Kind, Part IV

Posted on July 31, 2010 by Margaret

Mom didn’t have anything specific against Nate, although she didn’t know him very well. Her objection to our sprint toward the altar had more to do with surprising her than upsetting her. My sister had had a year-long engagement, and in Mom’s opinion, that was the wisest way to approach marriage. A long engagement would let Nate get one more year of law school under his belt and would give her enough time to plan a wedding.

But in my opinion, she wasn’t considering our point of view with the stress of carrying on a long-distance relationship. To Nate and I it seemed impractical, unnecessary and painful to postpone being together.

Nate wasn’t discouraged and began making an effort to win Mom’s approval. As his Army commitment ended, he came to my house for a week’s visit, willingly placing himself under close parental scrutiny.

When he arrived, he presented Mom with a gift, a black and white Wedgwood china planter, big enough for a ten inch pot to fit inside, along with a stand to place it on. None of the other guys I’d dated through the years had ever brought such a beautiful gift to her, and she took note. Had he “researched” ahead of time to know how much she loved plants?

Nate began watching her and quickly offering to lift a heavy box or bring an item down from a high shelf. “Let me do that,” he’d say. And Mom noticed. He also did something else none of my other boyfriends had done. He hugged her. She began looking forward to those and once in a while initiated them herself.

Before long, she began to treat him differently, more like one of her own. She still had an issue with planning a wedding in several weeks, but slowly she stopped talking about a year-long engagement. We started negotiations for a workable date, and in the end agreed on Thanksgiving weekend.

Mom’s extra perk was that many of our relatives arrived early enough to share Thanksgiving dinner with us. Nate’s and my perk was having to wait only a couple of months longer than we’d originally planned.

The Lord wants us to honor our parents. Scripture says we’re to show respect for them, listen to their counsel and figure out ways to bring them joy. We’re also to avoid causing them grief and to bless them whenever possible. In approaching Mom as he had, Nate had followed God’s design for acting wisely. And it paid off, as obedience to the Lord always does.

The biggest surprise, however, wasn’t given to Nate. Mom gave it to me. One day she handed me a pretty gift-wrapped package and said, “This is something I bought for you many years ago. Finally the time is right to give it to you.”

Inside was a glittering, hobnail glass slipper.

“I was waiting until you found your prince charming. You’ve known for a long time Nate was the one, and I wasn’t so sure. But now I know it, too.”

It was a fairytale ending to what had been a distressing few weeks, and Mom was letting me know she thought Nate and I would live happily ever after.

“Listen, my son, to your father’s instruction and do not forsake your mother’s teaching.” (Proverbs 1:8)

The Marrying Kind, Part III

Posted on July 30, 2010 by Margaret

Nate and I were on a happy trajectory toward wedding vows but had bumped into a bit of opposition from my folks, who insisted we were moving too fast. We knew differently and were, at age 23, both sure of what we wanted. And what we wanted, after getting engaged in July, was to marry before the school year began in September.

Nate thought my parents just needed reassurance that he would be a good marriage choice for their daughter. And how could they be sure if they had unanswered questions? His plan was to write a letter, addressing what he thought were their two greatest concerns: (1) Did he really love me? (2) Did he really love God?

I knew immediately the letter was a good idea, because Dad and I had often written to each other, even while living in the same house, especially during the turbulent teen years. If I wanted my way in any category, the surest approach was to reason with him in black and white, on a sheet of paper.

If I delivered it to his desk before he got home from work, he could open it when he was ready and respond when he chose. Even potentially explosive subjects became less volatile when reduced to written words. Approaching problems “decently and in order” counted for a lot with Dad.

Nate composed his letter while still at Ft. Riley, borrowing a typewriter and tapping out the entire thing without a mistake. He didn’t let me “preview” it but did say, “I was thinking mostly of your father as I wrote. We need to convince him first.”

Here’s the letter, written nine days after we got engaged:

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Johnson,

Writing you at this time is both easy and difficult. It is easy because I have known you for two years and feel very much at home when I am with you; and because I am writing of Margaret who we love. Yet it is difficult to discuss engagement in a letter. I want to talk personally with you before she and I go to Moyoca [a church camp where we planned to be counselors].

Many times people ask an engaged couple how they know they are in love. My answer comes from a guide the Lord has given us in Scripture. In 1 Corinthians 13 He has set out through Paul the characteristics of love by which I examine myself. Love is patient, kind, hopeful and enduring; most of all it is forgiving. Love for Margaret is a spiritual gift with which the Lord has blessed me. Her virtues fill my eyes; I see past her few faults. And she has shown me so many times that my love is reciprocated. I know it is.

I am very fortunate to have a fiancée with her virtues. Her faith with witness, prayer, Bible study and obedience to God are reassuring. Margaret’s humor, energy, beauty, education, intelligence, charm, creativity and love of children make me realize what a wonderful Christian woman she is. Her letters and visits during this Army camp prove to me her spiritual quality and goodness. Each minute of the day but especially when we pray together I want to share my life with her. Having accepted Christ in our hearts as ultimate, Margaret and I will have a marriage unified in Him.

If Margaret’s parents were less understanding, I would worry about my absence at this time. However, she has written of your complete acceptance of my Army situation and our decision. I am thrilled and happy that the Lord has given us understanding parents.