The thorny Q&A session between Jesus and his buddy Peter was awkward at best. Jesus initiated:
“Peter, do you agape me?” (Greek word for pure, sacrificial, God-like love)
“Yes, Lord, you know I phileo you.” (Greek word for best-friend love)
Then Jesus asked the same thing again and got the same answer:
“Peter, do you agape me?”
“Yes, Lord, you know I phileo you.”
But the third time, Jesus changed his question a little, using Peter’s word. “Peter, do you phileo me?”
Peter heard the switch and may have sighed and slumped his shoulders before answering. “Lord, you know everything. You know I phileo you.”
* * * * * * *
What was the point of that conversation?
I agree with scholars that Jesus asked Peter 3 questions to symbolize his 3 denials, giving him a chance to confirm love rather than betrayal, but something else was going on, too.
This was Peter’s second chance to say the right thing, and this time he wanted to be impeccably honest. So when Jesus asked if he had a pure agape love for him, Peter’s only correct response had to be, “Yes, I really love you, Lord, but I’m only as good as phileo. Remember, I’m the betrayal guy, which proves how far I have to go to get to agape.” Having to answer Jesus as he did probably stabbed Peter in his emotional heart, but at least he knew he’d told the truth this time.
But Jesus plowed ahead and asked the question again! Ouch. Peter probably thought, “Didn’t he hear me? Or is he unhappy with my answer?” But he stuck with the truth. When Jesus asked a third time, Peter was beside himself… until he realized Jesus was communicating a quiet message of acceptance and understanding. “Ok Peter. So you love me with a brotherly phileo love, is that it?”
The text says Peter was really hurting, but he responded appropriately. “You know everything, so you know that phileo is the best I can do.” Jesus was satisfied with his response, because immediately after that he changed the subject.
Something about this conversation increases my love for Jesus. He did two important things for Peter in their exchange. He gave him a chance to redeem himself from his awful betrayals, and he let Peter know he accepted him just as he was, duplicity and all.
Jesus is still doing those same two things for us today, handing us 2nd chances (and 3rd, 4th, 5th) to redeem our past mistakes, and showing us that no matter what we’ve done, he still accepts us. We may never reach agape here on earth, but I have a hunch once we’ve moved in with Jesus, he’ll show us how.
A third time he asked him, “Simon son of John, do you phileo me?” Peter was hurt that Jesus asked… a third time. He said, “Lord, you know everything. You know that I phileo you.” (John 21:17)